Things I don't need to hear about

Working in the bedrooms department, people often feel the need to share intimate details of their sex lives with me. I guess they think it will help me find the perfect bed for them? Honestly, I don't know the first thing about picking a mattress. I've actually never bought a mattress for myself, so I certainly don't know how to pick one for someone else. Ask me what the mattress is made of, or what the dimensions are, and I'm a wellspring of information. Ask me which one is right for you, and the ensuing BS that emantes from my mouth surprises even me sometimes. But back to my initial point, though, which is that people think they need to tell me extremely personal (and sometimes just gross) things about their sex lives. Last week, this guy approached me and asked me to show him a bed he could be handcuffed to. Needless to say, I was horrified and made no attempt to disguise it. He assured me he was being serious and asked me again, so I showed him this one bed that had bars on the headboard. He looked it over, then revised his request: he needed a bed that would allow him to be handcuffed to both the headboard AND the footboard. He tried to make a joke about it, to which I responded that I was uncomfortable, like really uncomfortable, but caring as much as I do about the needs of my customers (not true), I showed him another bed which had bars on both ends. Attempting to make a getaway, I started to edge away, which prompted him to strike up a conversation in which he proceeded to ask me seemingly benign personal questions: Where did I go to school, what was my major, etc. Usually, I'm more than happy to talk to customers about things other than furniture to break up the monotony of the day, but in this particular situation, I felt it prudent to keep things as impersonal as possible: short, one word answers of varying truth. Eventually he got the point and went on his way.

Next day, this super-douche with pleated pants and a bluetooth comes up to me and leads off with "Hey Ace." I immediately knew this was going to be rough. He informed me that he bought a bed from a nearby IKEA, and this it was "total shit," so he needed new slats (the things that go under the mattress instead of a boxspring) to make the bed work better. I start showing him the options and his phone rings. He of course answers it. I understand that people need to answer their phones sometimes, but don't expect me to wait around while you chit-chat. I started to walk away, so he decided it was accetable to snap at me. He says "it's a client. Really rich guy. Worth millions." I guess I was supposed to be impressed. Instead I rolled my eyes. He eventually got off the phone and reminded me that he was awesome because he has rich clients. I still didn't care. I got back to talking about bed slats, and right in the middle of a sentence, he iterrputed with "Yeah yeah, but I need something I can really go to town on, like really plow some chicks." I wanted to say "You're unattractive and middle aged. The only thing you're going to be plowing is your Toyota into a telephone pole right before you get a DUI." I bit my tongue and only said "uh, I guess they're all fine for that." He ended up buying the most expensive ones just so he could flash his American Express Gold Card.

It's a requirement then, you might guess, that every couple shopping for a bed or mattress must ask me "can this thing hold up through sex?" It, of course, gets asked in various forms, sometimes subtly worked into the conversation, sometimes totally outright. Some people like to weave it into some unrelated conversational topic that somehow arrives at something remotely sexual, which opens the door for the golden question. Some people, usually men, need no such guise and are more than happy to inform me that they have copious amounts of sex and need something that can live up to the task. Still others like to disguise the question as something completely unrelated. I had a couple shopping for a whole bed - frame, boxspring, mattress. They picked a frame they liked, found a mattress, and all they had left was to pick either slats or a boxspring. I explained the basic differences, after which they asked "we have kids that like to jump on the bed, which will hold up better?" I told them probably the boxspring, since the wooden slats would just break. They followed up with "what about adults that like the 'jump' on the bed?" and then I knew what they were really asking. Gross.

One a somewhat related note, earlier this week, a couple who had just moved to the US from France came into the store looking for a bed. They had literally just arrived the day before, so their English was just so-so. They had picked a bed frame already, and approached me to ask a question. The man asked "In France, we had a very bad mistress in our bed. Can you help us find a good mistress?" I paused, looked at the woman for a reaction, got none, and asked him to repeat his question. "We need a hard mistress for our bed." I was pretty sure I knew what they wanted, but treading lightly, I asked him to point at what he wanted. He gave me a strange look and pointed at a mattress. I chuckled and said "This is a mattress, not a mistress. I'm pretty sure you don't want any mistresses in your bed." I eventually explained the difference and they had a good laugh.